By Katie Wadland of EatSleepMomRepeat

I had my annual trip to the gynecologist today, or should I say triennial as I’ve somehow managed to avoid it since my most recent prenatal visits three years ago? That is until my PCP reminded me I’m a little overdue for a pap smear. Damn you, responsible PCP.

Now, I generally have a rule that I’ll take my kids anywhere but the dentist, the hair dresser and the gynecologist, but as my go-to babysitter was away camping, my best friend out of town and my favors all used up from my in-laws this week, I was left to my own devices and resigned myself to attending with a plus two. But lucky for you, the following guide was born from this experience to address this exact scenario, and as it turns out, it’s as easy as A,B,C (and D and E).

A) Adjust your expectations. It’s not going to be a walk in the park; it will be somewhere between dragging them to their own check-ups and having them walk in on you and your hubs doing the dirty. Prepare them.

If you need help, follow this script: “Mom’s got to go to the doctor. It’s not the regular doctor; it’s a special doctor just for moms that checks her private parts. There is going to be a point where I ask you turn and look at the wall. If you cheat or look back, I will be throwing all of your most sacred items into one big garbage bag and giving them all to the needy children who actually listen to their mothers.”

Just kidding. But really, it’s a good idea to give them a heads up that another human will be putting their hands inside you. Expect questions, and expect them to be in front of another person. If you expect the worst, you may be pleasantly surprised. Or you won’t, but at least you’ll be prepared.

B) Bribes. Pick a good one. Screen time or a snack isn’t going to cut it. Promise them the one thing they can’t live without, then hold it over their heads. Explain the ground rules. If they go past the ‘do not cross line’ and venture into ‘about to see into mom’s vagina’ territory, someone’s not getting to stop at the toy store on the way home.

C) Candy. Yes, I said it. Candy. Go ahead and let those baby teeth rot away for the ten minutes another human has their hands all up in your nether regions. They’re going to fall out someday anyways. No shame it in. Even your dentist would approve. Especially if she’s ever brought her kids to the gynecologist.

D) Distraction. Bring the screens. Bring them all. Or at least bring one per kid. I thought ahead and cut off iPad time about a week before so they’d be drooling at the very sight of it. Might want to go ahead an disable those Snapchat apps, though…just a thought.

E) Educate. There’s never a better time to remind your little ladies and gentleman that ain’t no one besides Mom, Dad and the doctor who should be anywhere near their little private parts.

Little ones scared of going to the doctor themselves? What’s a better lesson than seeing their mom, legs up, stirrups out, calmly being probed and prodded. The only big question my girls had was whether it hurt. I told them no and that it is important for me to do things like get these check-ups so I can stay healthy.

It’s not fun, and it’s a little humbling, but it will certainly make your point. It might even be a natural sequitur to the ‘talk.’ Which reminds me, I better start working on the Beta Mom’s Guide to Talking to Your Kids About Sex…

This post was originally published on EatSleepMomRepeat.

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About the Author

Katie Wadland is a Massachusetts-based mama raising her girls with her husband out in suburbia. She sometimes wakes up and wonders how the hell she got here. She’s a part-time Physical Therapist, part-time Blogger and full-time Beta Mom Extraordinaire. She has been published at Scary Mommy, Kveller, Mamapedia and BluntMoms. Her Beta Mom Guides and other ramblings can be found at EatSleepMomRepeat, and you can follow her on Facebook, Instagram or at Twitter.