By Kathleen Sullivan of www.threekidsonehusbandandabottleofwine.com
I cannot tell a lie. Prior to motherhood, I judged parents. It wasn’t anything personal. It was just that I always knew I was right. And they were annoying.
Now that I am a mom, I have slowly come to this realization: I am just as annoying (if not more so) than all the generations of moms who came before me.
Here is why:
The constant kiddie talk
It is happy hour on a Friday night. You are single and meet up with friends who just had a baby in the last year. You are happy for them, but you do not need to hear about the kid all night. However, for some unknown reason, they think you do. The stories are often uninteresting and you constantly fail to see a real point (i.e. Little Johnny just discovered his belly button yesterday.)
Fast forward to today. I am that same pain in the ass. In fact, I actually just shared with social media that my kid peed on the carpet. For this, I sincerely apologize to pretty much everyone in our lives.
The two drink maximum
Not that I am bragging or anything, but I used to be able to drink everyone under the table. Parents were usually a buzz kill and the reason I used to wonder if my ten drinks were excessive. I frequently noticed that parents of youngsters weren’t keeping up with me. Years ago, I sat at a table and watched a mom slowly slip into a coma.
Of course many moms are ready to pass out after the first two drinks! They are f*cking exhausted! I am lucky to get through one cocktail in a given year.
The constant tears
And I am not just talking about the kids. We moms are very emotional. We cry at the drop of a hat. We cry when the kids are sick. We cry when they are tired. We cry when they go on the potty for the first time. I am not even going to get into what happened the day I dropped my daughter off at her first day of school. I am surprised that the men in white coats didn’t come and whisk me away. As I sit here typing, I am crying remembering that there was actually a time when I used to sleep. I sure miss those days.
Yes, I am neurotic
In my single days, I judged people because of hand sanitizer. If you didn’t know what it was, you were cool enough to have a drink with. If you carried it in your bag at all times, I ran like hell. We all know that germs and disease are everywhere. However, to a mom, it takes on a whole new dimension. Some of us refuse to leave the house until flu season is over. Others call before a party to make sure no one is sick in the home. If someone sneezed in your household that day, it is safe to say that we will skip the play date. The worrying that goes along with mommyhood is never ending.
I knew that I was developing issues when I had to start taking Xanax before my children’s yearly well doctor visits. I was always afraid they would find something wrong. One time, a nurse was taking my daughter’s blood pressure. He said that according to the machine, my daughter had no blood pressure. I fainted. After I came to, he said he was joking and that the machine wasn’t working right. Not funny! Suffice it to say, my husband now takes my kids to all of their appointments.
Letting everyone know my kid has both a first and middle name
You are in the store shopping for wine when you hear a very annoying voice:
“James Patrick Michael Phillip!”
It is a mom screaming after her son. In this instance, she needs to make sure she identifies him correctly. Just in the case there is another kid around named James Patrick Michael Phillip.
Honestly, this has bothered me since childhood, though I could very well just be bitter because my parents never gave me a middle name. In my younger days, hearing a parent scream out their kid’s ten names was my equivalent of nails on a chalkboard. When I am fortunate enough to remember my kid’s names, I do the same. I am the world’s biggest hypocrite.
Bragging
Ok, this one is probably the most irksome of all. However, now that I am a mom, I find it more than acceptable. Of course I was proud that my daughter walked at 19 months after being diagnosed with low muscle tone. Oh, and if either one of my kids says something funny or witty, you are damn right I am sharing it on Facebook.
The funny part about the bragging thing is that most of us don’t even realize how often we do it. It has become second nature, just like keeping them in every aspect of our conversation. We all think our kids are the best ever. We all believe that they are doing things that no child has even done before. Alas, we can be forgiven. We are moms.
Now, excuse me while I tell the lady in line next to me just how beautiful my kids are. I even brought pics!
*****
About the Author
I am a freelance writer and full-time mom. My work has been published on: The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, Club Mid, Mamalode, Bon Bon Break, xoJane, and Your Tango. I am also the creator of www.threekidsonehusbandandabottleofwine.com where I write about all the ups and downs of mommyhood.