In honor of the upcoming Father’s Day holiday, I have compiled a list of five ways to show appreciation to those special dads in your life.

Number 1: Do not overpraise them. This makes dads uncomfortable. For example:

Four-year-old to father: “Dad, you’re not the best dad ever, but I like you a really lot.”

Father to four-year-old: “I can’t disagree with anything you’ve said.”

You gotta be able to take a solid critique in this household. I mean, if you don’t want to be judged as a parent, I guess you shouldn’t put yourself out there parenting all the time.

Number 2: Lay out clear expectations for them. For example:

Father to four-year-old: “I expect you to stay in your room tonight.”

Four-year-old to father: “I expect you not to go pee pee in your pants.”

I, as the mother, emphatically support both sets of expectations. So much so, in fact, I’m not sure who won the exchange. I suppose it all comes down to who continues to deliver their end of the bargain. Will my husband pee victory down his leg? Will Sophie climb the staircase of doom to claim her place in the bed of low expectations?

The suspense is almost a wee too much.

Number 3: Don’t mention how bad their taste in music is.

I learned this when threatening the girls with, “If you are not good, we will have to listen to Daddy’s music in the car,” and got results from the children. Additionally I learned that this is apparently insensitive to Daddy because “his music should not be a punishment.” Says he.

Daddy learned that his musical tastes differ from two- and four-year-old girls. It’s definitely a blow, but he should come through it.

Number 4: Don’t kill them while they sleep… I guess.

Dear father of our children,

The way that your daughter was sleeping last night (i.e. her feet on me and her head on you) resulted in the following unpleasant scenario: Me getting kicked in the gut whenever you snored.

I won’t go into how many kicks that resulted in (you can count them when I pay you back tonight). I only want to point out that my rule, which says no one can touch my pillow (a quirk you have publicly chastised me for), saved your life. My pillow=undeployed anti-snoring/smothering device.

Number 5: Answer them with puns.

Puns are fun.

Last night, my four-year-old went to go potty (don’t worry; the story can only go up from here, so you might as well finish reading.) Our two-year-old followed her (as any good little sister/assistant) would do. Their father called to the youngest to come out because occasionally she gets a little too hands-on in “assisting.” Oldest stuck up for her little sis, calling back to Dad, “She was getting me toilet paper! That’s how we roll!”

Bam! Toilet paper roll, way of life roll! Her first pun.

I’m pretty sure you could hear that high five in the next state over.

There you have it. Ways to show dads appreciation this Father’s Day. Don’t say we don’t make sacrifices for you guys.