By Emily Spence of Sweet n’ Sour Mom
“Maura pooped while napping today, then took her diaper off after she woke up, and proceeded to walk around her room, stomping it into the carpet. So, how was your day?”
This is something I mentioned to my husband over a glass of wine the other night after the kids had gone to bed.
[adsanity id=”35664″ align=”aligncenter”/]Before children, the element of surprise was fun to me. I’d go out and buy some lingerie, then put it on and strut around the house, not saying anything about the new, sexy garment, which wouldn’t stay on for long. I also loved, occasionally, getting creative with my awesome landscaping skills and showing off the finished product in the bedroom.
THEN we had kids…and mystery and surprise went out the window—unless one of us was exclaiming, “SURPRISE!! I know we’re all on our way out of the house, but the baby just had an epic poop!”
Delivery and post-birth alone catapulted us right up into the We Now Have Seen it All level of a relationship. Once I saw him witnessing everything that came out of me, in addition to a new human, I knew there was no going back.
In the three years that we’ve been doing this whole parenting gig together, there have definitely been a few topics that we can now add to the list of things we never dreamed of discussing before the arrival of the muff monkeys:
[adsanity id=”35667″ align=”aligncenter”/]1. Poop. The topic of poop and pooping rarely came up. The word “prude” does not even come close to describing my personality, but when it came to pooping, I liked my husband living on Oblivious Island, assuming that women did not poop and fart. Now this topic controls our lives, starting with me after our first daughter:
“Ugh, honey! Can you go to the store and get me some more stool softener?? I still haven’t pooped and now I’m fearing the act more than the actual labor itself!!!”
“The baby didn’t poop today. I don’t know if I should worry.”
“Maura didn’t want to poop on the potty. Instead, she took off her diaper and pooped on the floor next to the toilet!!”
“I’m going to call the doctor. Her poop hasn’t looked normal all day!”
“Gross! Can you grab me a few wipes!? She just projectile pooped all over me!!!”
2. Blood. Since having kids, we could fill a novella with our comments and stories about blood:
[adsanity id=”35665″ align=”aligncenter”/]“Hey, while you’re at the store, grab me some super absorbent maxi-pads. I already went through the ones sent home with us from the hospital. What I had under the sink for normal cycles pre-pregnancy isn’t standing a chance with this uterus apocalypse I have going on down there!”
“Honey, the midwife said to call if I thought my blood clots didn’t look normal. I just had my first kid! I don’t know what normal is!! Look at this and tell me what you think!” *Makes my husband stare into the toilet to examine a blood clot.*
3. Hemorrhoids.
“OMG! I am fucking miserable!” *Tears.* “My ass is seriously losing the Battle of the Roids! I’m never going to be able to leave this house! I will forever have my butt hole connected to an ice pack, Witch Hazel Pads, and Preparation H! I actually took a mirror to it yesterday! What the hell was I thinking!? I can’t unsee that!!!!”
4. Nipple soreness.
“I literally feel like she’s a leach right now, sucking the life out of my once beautiful breasts!!! Look! Remember how they were so smooth and voluptuous once!? See what I mean!? They’re all chapped…and red…and raw….AND SORE!”
5. Vaginal exercises.
[adsanity id=”35666″ align=”aligncenter”/]“Ok, honey, it’s been a few months and I do my kegels all the time, but apparently not enough. I sneezed at the store today and literally peed my pants. No, not a drop…like once it started, it dribbled for a good 30 seconds, soaking my underwear! Do you get what I’m saying?? Your wife peed her pants!! That’s it! I’m kegeling it every 15 minutes now. I feel like I should have a memorial service for my once tight vagina! Now it’s just a black hole! Do you think when I get my period again I’ll be able to find ‘UBER absorbent’ tampons for that gaping orifice!?”
Surprisingly, after all of those deep, meaningful conversations with my husband, he still finds me attractive and sexy. To him, I’m not just a vagina that’s a dark abyss, a woman who once had hemorrhoids and pooped on the delivery table with our first daughter. I’m his best friend and after seven years together, he tells me how he thinks I’m so strong and amazing to have brought two human beings into this world. So, take that, sagging boobs! My husband still thinks I’m hot!
If someone came up to us at the age of 28, before having children, and explained that we’d have conversations like these one day, we would have embarrassingly laughed. However, I’m actually happy to be in chapter four of our novel. You can be real…open…honest. You can talk about constipation and do so without blushing or feeling worried about being made fun of.
It’s a much more secure feeling than those beginning days when you’re praying you don’t fart in your sleep and he hears.
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About Emily Spence
Once a middle school teacher, Emily is now a SAHM, spending her days wearing yoga pants, diffusing meltdowns, and changing diapers. Her two little girls, supportive, yet sometimes frustrating husband, and obnoxious Westie, help keep the insanity in her life, which is balanced with lots of wine. You can read more at Sweet n’ Sour Mom, and also find her on Facebook and Twitter.