Now that school’s back in swing and I’m feeling that familiar old routine settling in, I’ve noticed my mind has started to wander during the school day the way it’s wont to do. Sure, I’m always thinking about the lesson at hand and surveying the room to see who has a question and who needs to stop doing that thing right there immediately, but I also participate in a lot of self talk during the school day. I can’t imagine I’m alone on this one, teachers. Please tell me I’m not.

Here, for your viewing pleasure, is an inside look at 33 things I actually thought while preparing to and attempting to teach this week.

Crap. I meant to go in the other door so I could pick up those copies before walking upstairs. I don’t want to walk all the way upstairs to my room to then have to turn around and walk all the way back down. That would be madness.

Seriously? Where are my copies? I SENT THEM DOWN TO THE PRINTER FOUR TIMES. Now I have to go back upstairs and down again anyway. GODDAMMIT.

OK, now they should be there. Wait. What’s this red light? Toner? Where do I get toner to put in here? I don’t see toner. Can’t you just print my copies and then have a meltdown, printer? CAN’T YOU FUCKING DO THAT JUST ONCE?!

Back upstairs I go. Why didn’t I bring my laptop like I said I was going to? What the hell is wrong with me?

Um. Why won’t my laptop turn on? I need my laptop to turn on. I NEED MY LAPTOP TO TURN ON!

I’ve gotta call tech support. “Yeah, hi. My laptop won’t turn on. Like, at all. Now that we’ve gone tech here, everything I need for today is in that laptop. So…I either need it to work or I need to get everything out of that laptop. If you could help with that, I’d be super grateful.” Nobody is going to be able to help with this, are they?

Ooh! I know. I can just log into a student computer, print my materials, and project them on the document camera. I’m so smart, me!

Where’s the printer on this student computer? Why is the printer not installed? 

“Hey, [insert tech support person’s name here]! Thanks for coming to my rescue. Quick question: Do you know why I can’t find the printer on this computer? I need to print my materials for today.” Did she just really say there is no printer installed on these computers?

Fine. The kids and I will just sit around with our thumbs up our asses today, I guess. THUMBS UP OUR ASSES.

Oh! My laptop’s working? IT’S WORKING! Hallelujah! Wait, no, I don’t have time to install 86 updates. I have to send my copies to the printer and then…oh. OK. Installing 86 updates now. Sweet.

It’s been 20 minutes. What the hell are these updates? Will I be able to communicate with NASA by the time this thing is done? JESUS!

Oh, yay! Finally, it’s done! And it works! Happy day!

“Good morning, students! As you can see up here on the Smart Board, we’re starting today’s lesson off with a writing prompt. On the next slide here–what?–let me try this again. On the next slide–hmm. Can’t get to the next slide, it appears.” MOTHERFUCKINGWHATTHEHELLSHIT????!!!!!!

Somebody needs to have a chat with that kid about proper cologne use. Jesus God, I’m certain my nose hairs have been singed off.

ME: “Who can tell me the 3 most interesting things the author revealed about herself in the interview? Yes, Billy?” STUDENT: “Her hair is stupid.” That’s one thing, smart ass, and has nothing to do with the interview. ME: “I was talking about things she actually said in her interview. So, you know, things you had to listen to and learn about her.” STUDENT: “Oh. She’s a crazy cat lady.” What the hell? ME: “Because she has two cats she’s a cat lady?” STUDENT: “Yep.” Shoot me now. RIGHT NOW.

Is that kid texting? He’s totally texting. Let me move over here and…wait, where’s his phone? He’s not texting. Oh, gross. What the hell is he doing under that desk there? MENTAL NOTE: Don’t sit there for lunch.

ME: “Does anybody have a question about that last step before I move on to the next?” {Long period of silence. Long, long period.} “OK, great. So next you’re going to–” STUDENT: “–I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO IN THAT LAST STEP.” Christ almighty.

I wonder if it would hurt to jump out this classroom window to the ground two stories below.

I have to pee. OMG, I have to pee so bad. I can’t get up in the middle of this girl’s speech, but holy hell, I need her to hurry it up over here. HURRY IT UP, I SAY!

STUDENT: “Um, Mrs. ___, I have a question about this assignment here–” Who the hell is this kid? He’s not in my class. It’s been a week and a half, and I’ve never seen this kid before in my life. I swear to it. WHO SENT YOU, KID?

I wonder what Fred Savage is doing right now.

I want another cup of coffee. I shouldn’t have another cup of coffee, but I want another cup of coffee. Take me away, coffee. Take me away.

ME: “Let’s get a volunteer to share their response to the writing prompt. What do you envision as being your ideal job and why?” STUDENT: “Working in a cheese factory. So I can, you know, cut the cheese all day long. He he he.” Aaaand, here we go.

Oh, hell no. Why did my laptop just shut off again? DAMN YOU, LAPTOP!

I have to pee again. Ooooooooh, help. It’s bad. Really, really bad. I’M GOING TO DIE.

I should really bring in that toilet tent I purchased while camping and set it up in my back office. Nothing weird about that.

Eating lunch this early in the day is inhumane. Really. What are we, caged animals?

STUDENT: “Did you get my email?” ME: “I got a lot of emails, yes. I’m sure if you sent it to the address I specified, I received it.” STUDENT: “Yeah, but could you check right now to see if you got mine?” Oh, like right now in front of everybody? I should make them all wait to start class because you want me to check to see if I received your email right this very instant? Sure, why not? Other people should have to wait to live their lives until you’re good and ready, anyway.

Remember Master P? Good ole Master P. MAKE ‘EM SAY UGGGHHHH, UGGGHHHH, NA NA NA NA!

I could really use a cookie. Or a piece of cake. A cookie AND a piece of cake.

What if they installed a margarita bar in the teacher’s lounge? Imagine how much fun that would be. We’d all be so happy and stress free!

Hold up, did my laptop and Smart Board just…yep. OK. I quit.