30 Hilariously Inappropriate Things Kids Have Said
Humor Parenting

30 Hilariously Inappropriate Things Kids Have Said

30 Hilariously Inappropriate Things Kids Have Said

The other day, I was reflecting on all the inappropriate things my young children have said without actually intending to be inappropriate. Taken in isolation, these things make my husband and me sound like terrible parents.

In an attempt to make myself feel better, I started thinking that there was no way we could be the only parents in the world whose young kids had let a swear word fly or offered to serve their playmates alcoholic beverages in the toy kitchenette at daycare. So I asked my readers and fellow bloggers to spill the beans, and what they shared left me in hysterics.

They were all so great that it was impossible to list each one, so here are just a few for your viewing pleasure:

“Eh. Buncha crap.” – Evan, 5, closing the kindergarten orientation folder with his name on it right after scanning its contents during K Open House. Parents were standing all around the little tables behind their kids. More than one nodded. Holding the Strings

*to my sister, who was taking care of my kids one morning* “Do you have that book about the Little Brown Nut Hair?” -Captain Chaos, age 3 (She meant Little Nutbrown Hare, from Guess How Much I Love You) Shakespeare’s Mom

Said very matter of factly: “Are you going to read me that fucking My Little Pony book now?” -Molly at age 3 –Shayna

Latest holy crap moment from 2 1/2 yr old. He tells me to “stop saying uh oh, you can say shit if you want to.” –Audrey

“I want to lick my butt.” -Girl Bunn #2, age 3 *to me, after a lecture about poop comes out of butts, therefore butts are dirty and we don’t kiss them.* –Kelli

3 year old Twincess E chattering away to the cashier at Target:”You’re a boy! Why are you a boy? I know…you got a penis! You’re a really BIG boy. You got a really big penis?” –Tara

My daughter (the Kraken), 6 yo at the time, got a fancy Christmas dress from her grandmother. She wore it to go take Santa pictures, and on the ride over was unusually quiet. I asked, “Are you excited to see Santa?” She answered, “Yep, and I just farted in a $100 dollar dress.” RachRiot

In a crowded public restroom with a line out the door, my then 3 yr old with no volume control at all, said nice and loud for everyone to hear, “Mom, your penis is in your back? Mine is in my front” while I was peeing. You know how it is…. Assume the stance so as not to touch the forbidden public toilet lest there be horrific germs. Cue mass amounts of laughter from the waiting women. –Jennifer

My husband and I kissed each other at the dinner table. Our 4 yo daughter stared at us and asked, “Are you guys having sex right now?” –Rayni

“Watch out for my dad’s private parts!” -Brennan, age 5 *to her older brother’s teenage friends about her dad not wearing a shirt.* A Day in the Life of a Drama Queen’s Momma

My oldest son was 4 when he approached me naked, ball sack in hand and asked, “WHY DO I HAVE MARBLES IN THIS BAG UNDER MY PENIS AND WHAT ARE THEY FOR?!” I was pregnant and tired and I told him they are called testicles and they contain baby making ingredients. Modern Mommy Madness

“I’m tea-bagging you!” -Caleb, 11, said to fellow online gamer. His gamer friends have taught him some colorful language. I told him he didn’t need to say that anymore and he said, “Why? Is it something bad?” So I told him honestly what it meant, and boy was his face red (and mine too)! –Carrie

My son– we’ll call him Bud– saw a naked woman in the locker room with large breasts and asked me [loudly], “Why does she have two wee-wee-ers [i.e. penises] hanging on her stomach?” Thankfully she laughed and explained she was nursing! Ahhhh. Frantic Mama

My 3 year old, waking from a bad dream, looking for her blankie: “Where’s my f*****g blankie man!” –Tanis

Me, having just gotten a cloud of spice powder everywhere, including my sinuses: “Grr. Son of a BITCH!” My at-the-time 17 year old son: “Yes, Ma’am?” –Kel

“This son of a bitch took my spot! ” -Matthew, 4, during a game of musical chairs at a birthday party. –Tiffaney

“Hey! You just kicked me in the weinee!” -Frankie, age 5. Need to know information: Frankie is a girl. Ruckus Girl

I told my daughter, Gabby, that if she doesn’t go to school, they will put mommy in jail, so we need to go to school. Her response: “Exactly how long would you be in jail if I missed today?” I forget how old Gabby was when she said that, but she’s 8 years old now. Crumpets and Bollocks

My 2 year old, Parker, walked right up to a fellow mommy at my older son’s school, looked her dead in the eye and said, “Big butt!” And then I crawled under a rock. Appetite for Honesty

“God dammit, I am so pissed off.” -Evelyn, age 3, after she was told she could not have another cookie. –Carli

My almost 3 yr old Evan after having an accident: “Oh shit, mommy, I shit my pants and my legs!!!” –Nicole

Upon noticing my lady garden in a public toilet: “Mummy, is that your beard?” Nice and loud, too. -Joey, aged 3. –Kirsti

Princess C, probably 7 or so, standing in line at the grocery asks, “Mommy, what’s erectile dysfunction?” I naturally replied, “Ask your dad when we get home.” –Windy

When told he could not get a toy at the store, my 5 year old said under his breath, “That’s a bunch of bullshit.” –Stacey

While she holds Barbie under water, “Taking a liiiiiife, right in the Helllll.” – Stella, age 4 missteenussr

My then 4 yr old (Lily) was watching from a safe distance as I had my head in the toilet bowl thanks to morning sickness when she asked, “Mama are you OK? Are you beer sick?” –Nicole

EZ, age 3: *smacks his teacher’s butt while saying* “Good Morning, Baby cakes!” I should probably be more aware who’s around when I give my husband a morning goosing. Dried-on Milk

James to his keyworker at pre-school: “Louise, they’re your boobies. They’re perfect.” Do you speak Autism?

“Can I get a fuck?” Ethan, age 3, asking for a fork. Mommy of a Monster and Twins

Two and a half year old daughter turns to me after 3 days with no poop and now a bladder infection: “Awww shit mama, I got pain in my ‘gina.” George with ears

Ahh, kids.