20 Things You Should Never Say To Teachers

 

Recently, The Huffington Post published an article titled 9 Things You Should Never Say to Teachers, and while the writer’s ideas are spot on, there are so many other things you should never say to teachers as well (especially teachers in need of a break).  Whether you’re a student, a parent, an administrator, or a friend, avoid the following at all costs.*  (Unless death by eye daggers sounds like your cup of tea.)

Are we doing anything important today?  Well, actually, you’re in luck!  We aren’t doing anything important whatsoever.  Come on in, kick your feet up, and play around on social media for 59 minutes, or better yet, blast your iPod on volume eleventy million so nobody else in the room can hear themselves think.  Learning’s overrated anyway.  AMIRIGHT?!?!

Can I turn my assignment in late?  Because, uh, what had happened was, my dog ate my homework right after my computer crashed and my grandma died.  Oh my goodness.  That sounds terrible.  I’m going to have to say no, though.  By the way, how many times is it now that your computer has crashed and your grandma has died in the same night?  Are they cats by any chance? Because they just keep coming back to life and dying all over again.  At this rate, I think you have a pretty good reality TV series pitch — Computers and Grandmas: Defying the Odds.

Have you [graded my essay/written my letter of recommendation/scored the tests/gathered my makeup work/completed my application] yet?  Oh, you mean the one you handed to me 42 seconds ago?  You know, I haven’t.  I know.  Lazy bones over here! {maniacal chuckle}  I really need to get my life in order, huh?

I need you to email me every single time my student fails to turn in an assignment or scores below a B.  I’d love to, except then I’d have to remember to do it for the other 149 students in my classes, and I can barely remember to pick my own children up from school.  Tell you what.  How’s about you email me whenever you want to discuss the progress report you have access to online 24 hours per day?

I called you one hour ago, and I haven’t heard back yet.  What’s your problem?  Yeah, I saw that call come in while I was teaching class.  These pesky classes.  Always gettin’ in the way.  Can you believe I have to return calls during my own free time?  Nutso, I tell you.  You’ll hear back within 48 hours.  Promise.

We’re [writing, reading, solving word problems, completing a lab experiment, engaging in higher order thinking, taking a test] today?  Ugh.  SO STUPID!  Tell me about it.  It’s just so stupid and dumb and…and…and stupid that we have to actually do learning and stuff in school.  Whose idea was this, anyway?!

I need you to attend 7 IEPs and 4 504s and one staff meeting and 3 professional development sessions and 2 nights of conferences on top of teaching all day in the same week.  That’s not a problem, is it?  No, of course not!  I was just thinking, if there’s one thing I need, it’s meeting on top of meeting morning in and evening out.  I’m sure my kids will understand why the dogs have to raise them until February.

I need to meet with you immediately about my student’s grade.  I’ll be there at 6 pm tomorrow evening.  Yeah.  Here’s the thing.  I’m not available tomorrow evening.  I have graduate classes to take and soccer practices to attend and doctor appointments to keep and dinners to make and children to parent.  Here’s a better idea.  Why don’t we work together to decide on a mutually acceptable time?

My student spends all his time studying and doing homework.  When are you teachers going to realize they need to live their lives, too?  Gosh.  He spends all his time doing that?  Because today in class, I caught him watching YouTube videos of cats baking brownies and stoners laughing hysterically about fart jokes when he was supposed to be completing his essay.  Weird.

You offer extra credit, right?  Sure.  Forget regular credit.  Let’s just inflate the grades with extra assignments.  The point of grades isn’t to assess actual learning, anyway.

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